Wali's Checklist: 10 Questions to Ask a Brother Calling About Your Daughter

Quick answer

When a brother calls asking about your daughter, ask ten questions: his deen and prayer practice, character (and how others describe him), work and financial ability to provide, family background, where he plans to live, why he chose your daughter specifically, views on women's rights in marriage, views on children, prior relationships, and any major life issues (health, debt, criminal history). Allow 30-60 minutes for the conversation. Ask references afterwards. This isn't interrogation — it's your wali responsibility.

You're the wali. A brother just called. Now what?

Most fathers, brothers, uncles, and imams who become walis have never been trained for the role. They were brought into it because a daughter, sister, niece, or community member needs a wali.

This article is your script.

It's based on what Islamic scholars across madhabs agree the wali should evaluate, combined with what experienced walis in Western Muslim communities tell us actually works in practice.

For broader wali context, see our complete wali guide.

Before the first call

Some preparation matters. Two minutes:

• Find a quiet place. Not the school pickup line, not the middle of dinner. The brother is testing you too — give him a serious conversation.
• Have a notebook. Yes, actually. Write down his answers. You'll forget details by tomorrow.
• Allow 30-60 minutes. If you have 10 minutes, reschedule. Don't half-do this.
• Decide if anyone else listens. Some walis prefer to do this alone first; others bring the mother or an elder brother. Both are valid. What's not valid: putting it on speakerphone for the daughter to coach answers.

The 10 questions

Ask these in roughly this order. The order matters: deen first (because it's the most important), then character, then practical matters, then the harder questions.

Question 1: Tell me about your deen

This is your opening question. Open-ended. Let him talk.

What you're listening for:

• Does he pray five daily prayers? Specifically — not "I try" but "Yes, all five." If he doesn't pray, you have a difficult conversation ahead.
• Does he know the basics? Not testing him on advanced fiqh. Can he explain wudu, the prayer, fasting? Does he attend Jummah regularly?
• How did he come to his current religiosity? Born Muslim and consistent? Lapsed and returned? Convert? Each has a story worth hearing.
• Does he study or seek Islamic knowledge? Not full-time student — but does he listen to lectures, read, attend study circles?

What to avoid: trick questions designed to catch him out. You're not the Spanish Inquisition. You're a wali making sure your daughter's husband will be a Muslim partner.

Question 2: How would three people who know you well describe your character?

This is the character question — but framed sideways.

Asking "tell me about your character" produces self-praise. Asking how others would describe him produces honesty (he can't comfortably make up what three different people would say).

What you're listening for:

• Self-awareness. Can he name actual qualities and flaws? Or does he describe himself as perfect?
• Specificity. "My friend Ahmed would say I'm patient" is better than "people say I'm a good guy."
• Acknowledgment of weakness. Everyone has weaknesses. A brother who claims none isn't honest.

If he can't answer, ask a follow-up: "What's one thing you're working on improving about yourself?"

Question 3: What do you do for work, and can you provide for a wife and family?

Practical and direct. Don't be embarrassed to ask.

What you need to know:

• Stable employment vs gig work. Stable W-2/employed brother vs freelancer/Uber-driver. Both can be valid; both have different stability profiles.
• Income range (not exact figure — range). Enough for rent, food, basic needs, mahr?
• Education completed or in progress. Student about to graduate is different from "in my 8th year of part-time community college."
• Debt situation. Student loans are normal. Credit card debt at 25% APR is a serious flag. Ask.

Don't accept vague answers. "I do tech stuff" isn't an answer. "I'm a junior software engineer at [company], been there 2 years, salary covers basic family needs in [city]" is an answer.

Question 4: Tell me about your family

You're marrying a family, not just an individual.

What you're listening for:

• Parents alive? Where do they live? This matters for cultural expectations.
• Siblings. How does he describe them? Close family, distant family, drama-filled family?
• Family practice. Is his family Muslim? Practicing? Same sect as yours? Different but compatible?
• Family expectations. Does he expect his wife to live with parents? Does he expect frequent family visits? Does his mother have strong opinions about who he marries?

A brother who can't talk about his family — or whose answers feel rehearsed — is hiding something. Family dynamics matter enormously after marriage.

Question 5: Where do you plan to live after marriage?

Practical and reveals values.

• Same city, different city, same country, different country?
• Own home, rented apartment, with parents, with his family?
• Has he discussed this with my daughter, or is he assuming?

If a brother expects your daughter to relocate to a different country without having discussed it with her — that's important information.

Question 6: Why my daughter? Why specifically her?

This is where many brothers stumble. And how they stumble tells you a lot.

What's a good answer:

• He mentions specific qualities about her: her deen, her character, her work, her family.
• He mentions how he came to know about her (mutual friend, platform, family connection).
• He acknowledges he doesn't know her fully yet and wants to learn.

What's a concerning answer:

• Generic platitudes that could apply to any woman ("She seems like a nice girl.")
• Focus only on superficial qualities (appearance is the only thing mentioned).
• Inability to articulate why her, specifically.

A brother who can't articulate why your daughter is barely interested in your daughter — he's interested in marriage generally.

Question 7: What do you believe about a wife's rights in marriage?

Now you're getting into the harder questions.

What you're listening for:

• Mahr understanding. Does he know mahr is the wife's right, not his future asset?
• Provision. Does he understand he's responsible for housing, food, basic needs?
• Treatment. "Kind treatment, mutual respect, consultation" should appear in his answer.
• Career and education. Does she have the right to continue working/studying if she wants?
• Family visits. Does she have the right to visit her family regularly?

A brother who can't articulate basic Islamic spousal rights — or who frames marriage entirely as "what the wife owes the husband" — has a problematic model of marriage.

Question 8: What's your view on children?

Surface this early. Mismatches here predict serious marital conflict later.

• Does he want children? How many roughly?
• What about education? Is he aligned with educating both sons and daughters fully?
• What about the wife's career after children? Does he expect her to stop working, continue, decide together?
• What about discipline? Avoidance of physical discipline, presence of patience?

Note: it's OK if he's not certain about everything. It's not OK if his model is rigid in ways that would conflict with your daughter.

Question 9: Have you been married before, or in serious relationships before?

This is uncomfortable. Ask anyway.

What you need to know:

• Prior marriages. Divorced? How many times? What happened? Did he learn from it?
• Children from prior relationships. This matters for your daughter to know.
• Engagements that broke off. Why?
• Long prior relationships pre-Islam (for converts) or pre-marriage. Not asking for sexual history — asking for character/pattern history.

If he had a prior marriage that ended, the question isn't "did you fail." It's "what did you learn." A brother who blames everything on his ex-wife and learned nothing is more concerning than a brother who acknowledges his own mistakes.

Question 10: Any major life issues I should know about?

Open the door for him to disclose proactively.

• Health. Chronic illness, mental health treatment, major surgeries.
• Debt or financial issues. Bankruptcy, large debt, gambling history.
• Criminal history. Any record? Even minor things — better to hear it from him than discover it later.
• Immigration status. If he's on a visa, what's his pathway? Don't trap your daughter in a marriage where she becomes his only path to status.
• Anything else he wants me to know before we proceed.

A brother who discloses proactively is a brother you can trust to be honest. A brother who hides things that emerge later — that's a brother whose word you can't trust.

After the call

Don't make decisions in the call. Tell him: "I'll think about this and we'll talk again." That's normal and expected.

In the next 72 hours:

1. Write notes on what he said. Memory fades fast.
2. Discuss with your daughter. What did she think? What did he tell her? Cross-check details (where he lives, his work). Significant inconsistencies are red flags.
3. Call his references. Tell them you're considering him as a son-in-law. Ask their honest assessment.
4. Discuss with your wife / family elder. Two perspectives are better than one.
5. Pray istikhara. This is a major decision. Pray for guidance.

Then call him back with your decision — proceed, decline, or request more information.

When to decline

You're allowed to say no. Not every brother is suitable for your daughter, and saying no respectfully is part of your wali responsibility.

Valid reasons to decline:

• His deen and character don't meet the standard set by your daughter's deen and character.
• His financial situation can't reasonably support marriage right now.
• His family situation has serious red flags (controlling mother, unstable family, conflict that will affect the marriage).
• His prior history concerns you (multiple failed marriages without clear lessons learned).
• He couldn't articulate basic Islamic marriage values.
• Your daughter doesn't feel right about him after the same conversation.

Decline professionally: "I appreciate your interest, but after careful consideration, I don't believe this is the right match. Barakallahu feekum." That's enough. You don't owe explanations.

When to proceed

You should be confident — not certain, but confident — that:

• His deen is consistent and serious.
• His character is sound and people who know him confirm this.
• He can provide for the marriage practically.
• His family situation is manageable.
• He treats your daughter with respect.
• Your daughter is enthusiastic, not just compliant.
• You've prayed istikhara and feel settled.

If all this aligns, the next step is meeting in person (sittning — see our guide to sittning) and formalizing the engagement.

What this checklist isn't

• It isn't a guarantee. No screening prevents all problems. Marriages are long; people change.
• It isn't a contract. You're gathering information for a decision — not signing anything.
• It isn't interrogation. Keep the tone of a serious conversation, not a courtroom cross-examination.
• It isn't only for fathers. Brothers, uncles, grandfathers, and imams who serve as walis all use this same framework.

Final reminder for the wali

You aren't trying to find a perfect man. You're trying to find a man whose deen and character meet the standard, who can support the marriage, and who your daughter is genuinely interested in.

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said:

"If a man whose religion and character you approve of comes to you with a marriage proposal, marry her to him. If you don't, there will be fitnah on earth and great corruption." — Tirmidhi 1085

Your role: evaluate religion and character. Both must be present. If both are there and there's no serious other issue, your duty is to facilitate the marriage, not block it.

How Zawji supports walis

On Zawji, no brother contacts your daughter's wali until she chooses to share his number. When she does, you'll get a call from a brother who has already gone through profile review, who knows her preferences, and who is serious enough to call her father.

Use this checklist on that call. You'll know within 30-60 minutes whether to proceed.

Learn more about how Zawji works →

Read next:

• Complete Wali Guide (pillar) — comprehensive wali coverage
• What is a Wali? Simple Beginner's Guide
• What If Wali Says No? — bride/groom side of refusal
• How to Call Wali for the First Time — for the brother making the call
• Wali for Converts and Reverts — when there's no Muslim father

Sources: - Tirmidhi 1085 (religion + character standard) · Abu Dawud 2083 (no wali = no marriage) - Quran 4:34 (responsibility framing) · Quran 30:21 (mawaddah and rahmah) - Practical input from Muslim Council of Britain wali workshops, ISNA marriage mediation guidelines, and Australian National Imams Council wali training material.

Authored by: Fuaad Nuur, founder of Zawji. Last updated 2026-05-27. LinkedIn · Wikidata Q139625473